Your insights reflect a mature understanding of relationships. Indeed, the notion of finding "the one" and having a perfect, effortless relationship can be idealistic and unrealistic. Relationships require effort, compromise, and understanding from both partners. Real love often involves facing challenges, overcoming obstacles, and growing together. It's about accepting each other's imperfections and choosing to love and support each other through the ups and downs of life. Learning from past experiences, including failed relationships and divorce, can be valuable in understanding what truly matters in a partnership. It's through these experiences that we often gain wisdom and clarity about our own needs and what we're willing to give in a relationship. Ultimately, building a strong, lasting relationship involves mutual respect, communication, and continuous effort from both partners. It's not about finding the perfect person but rather about finding someone with whom you can navigate life's challenges and joys together.
1. Get real and see the whole picture.
When our partner lets us down, it can hurt so bad that we become blinded from everything else that matters. In defense of our wounded ego, we overreact by blowing the issue out of proportion and getting argumentative beyond reason. Our logic gets hijacked and we forget to see the whole picture that in most cases, what we fight about isn’t truly important. During times like these, I ask myself, “Is it the end of the world, or the relationship, that this problem happened because of his insensitivity/immaturity/irresponsibility Or is it a passing storm that ravages, but we can rebuild from there and learn lessons for the future”
2. Dig out the “I am loved” list.
Reason flies out the window of our mind whenever we’re in pain or experiencing rage. Our mind focuses on how we’re being victimized and blacks out the times when our partners acted lovingly toward us. Whenever I find myself reacting like this, I dig deep in my “I am loved” list. It’s a list I keep of all the big and small loving things my partner regularly does and recently did for me. For instance, I may recall that when I was feeling stressed and exhausted, despite finishing work late himself, he traveled a long way to my place, got me dinner, went grocery shopping, and stocked my fridge with my favorite nourishing food items.
3. Picture his/her plate and realize how full/heavy it is.
In the ideal scenario, our partner is loving, caring, attentive, and affectionate 24/7. That said, it’s easy to be so when we are not bounded by life’s stresses, problems, and burdens. Whenever my partner is acting in an unloving way, I try to counter my feelings of anger, hurt, and disappointment by putting myself in his shoes and picturing the responsibilities, issues, and worries that are in his life at that point.
4. Get aware of how your response perpetuates your partner’s unloving behavior.
It takes two hands to clap. When our partner isn’t being loving, the ego’s response is to think, “I don’t deserve this, so I’m going to retaliate and claim back my power.” Such a reaction only traps us in a lose-lose cycle. We pit ourselves against each other, when deep down all we want is to feel that our partner cherishes us and is on our side as our biggest supporter. Whenever I feel tempted to react negatively, I take a deep breath and direct my thoughts to how I can break the vicious cycle. I’ll ask myself, “How can I communicate my boundaries on unacceptable behavior without angry words of blame, judgment, and criticism”
